JOKE SALE!

Once upon a time back in California, I wrote jokes for stand-up comedians. For unknown reasons, some of those jokes never sold.

Which is why I’ve decided to have a clearance sale on my entire inventory of unused and unsold, but still potent stand-up comedy jokes to make room for the new models.

Prices are as marked, but I will also consider a trade for jokes or gags of equal or greater value.

Feel free to browse, but remember that this is not a library. And no refunds.

FREE-STANDING JOKES ($3 each or 4 for $10)

WORDPLAY

• Spooning with someone who really needs to clip their toenails should be called “sporking.”
• In a perfect world there would be no need for the phrase, “In a perfect world.”
• If more than one “mouse” is “mice”, then more than one “spouse” would be… awesome!
• Spelling would be a lot easier if that poem we learned in school was actually “I before E… no exceptions!”
• I think the word “monosyllabic” is four syllables too long.
• Shouldn’t there be at least one word in the English language that rhymes with “poem?”

HOLIDAYS

• Do you think Santa’s children know that their father isn’t real?
• The laziest Halloween costume I ever wore was the year when I went as my own reflection. I just parted my hair on the left.
• Last Christmas, my friend gave me a female nutcracker. It does Kegels.
• If life gives you lemons… regift. SOLD!
• Why do oddly shaped gifts always seem to get a bad wrap?
• (incredulous) Yet another year without world peace?! Screw it, next Christmas I’m asking for something for me!

“THINKERS” (price as marked)

• Baseball caps are just a poor man’s toupee. ($4)
• If a tree falls in the forest, crushing the only person within earshot, do either of them make a sound? (free with any purchase over $3)
• My life is a nightmare. I used to be tortured every waking minute of every day. But lately, I’ve had to cut back on expenses. ($2) SOLD!
• I’ve finally realized that my one and only skill is my versatility. (free with the purchase of a copy of my book, “The Super Secret Stewart Switching Society” by Ty King, available from amazon. com [click here] )
• Last night, I watched a pot. After about two minutes, it boiled. (suspicious) What else have they been lying to us about? ($7)

AGE

• I’m not afraid of death. But birth scares the meconium out of me. (beat) You should Google it when you get home.
• Last week I turned 61 years old, but I’ve actually been around a lot longer than that.
• (said grumpily) You crazy old people with your long hair and your loud rock and roll music… SOLD!
• I was born in 1959, which… let me save you the trouble of having to do the math… which means I’m 32 years old. Although, you’d think that after 32 years, I’d be better at math.

ANIMALS

• You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him ski. (then, downbeat) I lost three horses before I finally gave up trying.
• The best way to tell if a tropical fish is a male or female is to remember that the males pee standing up. SOLD!
• If snakes ruled the world, escalators would be conveyor belts.
• If lobsters ruled the world, rubber bands would only be sold in sex shops.
• Unlike all other members of the animal kingdom, fish don’t owe Noah squat. Noah is not a hero in the fish community. They don’t teach about him in their schools. It’s like, “Screw you, old man. If not for you and your ark, we’d have the whole place to ourselves right now.”

FAMILY

• I never really knew my mother. She up and left us a couple of months before I was born.
• Let he who is without sin… date my daughter. (beat, then) But still, you know, have her home by nine.
• I have an older brother and a younger sister, but we haven’t been on speaking terms for years. Sometimes, I deeply regret my decision to have siblings.
• (somberly) I just want to say to my daughter’s kidnappers, if you’re here in the audience tonight, that I got your ransom note and… (irritated) Ever hear of a little thing called “spellcheck?”
• I never really knew my mother. Tragically, she died during my conception.
• My brother and I are identical twins. The only difference between us is that he’s a “grow-er” and I’m a “show-er.” To this day, that’s the way most people tell us apart.

OLD SAYINGS SAID WRONG

• Objects in the mirror may be you.
• If at first you don’t succeed, why try again?
• Have you ever noticed?
• I am effluent in six languages.
• People who live in glass houses, shouldn’t. SOLD!

GOD

• I’m a vacillating atheist, which means I don’t believe there’s any higher power looking out for us and I just hope to God I’m right.
• If I could ask God only one question, it would be… “Who do you like in next year’s Superbowl and will they beat the spread?”
• If God ever decided to take up a sport, would all His stats in the record books have an asterisk?
• God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the power of flight.
• (as if writing a ransom demand) “Dear God, I want a million dollars in unmarked bills, or your boy gets it! Sincerely, P. Pilate”

IMPRESSIONS

• BILL CLINTON – (make your voice sound like Bill Clinton)
• JOE BIDEN – (make your voice sound like Joe Biden) – JUST ADDED!
• GEORGE CLOONEY – (make your voice sound like George Clooney)
• JIM CARREY – (make your voice sound like Jim Carrey)
• AL PACINO – (make your voice sound like Al Pacino)

HEALTH (MENTAL AND PHYSICAL)

• (downbeat) I was recently diagnosed with clinical depression, which really bummed me out. (upbeat) But then they said it was actually manic depression, which cheered me right up. (then downbeat again) For a while…
• I think I might be agoraphobic. I would get tested, but the clinic is clear across the street.
• My wife and I decided to go with natural childbirth. No drugs, no monitors. The only medical equipment was the anesthesia mallet. And even though natural childbirth without drugs is excruciatingly painful, I never once regretted the decision. My wife on the other hand… well, she’s not as strong as me.

OPENERS

• (energetic opening when NOT in Portland) Hey, hey, hey, it is great to be back in Portland… (off of silence, covering) …is something I like to say whenever I go back to Portland.
• (energetic opening when NOT in Portland) Hey, hey, hey, it’s great to be back in Portland! (off silence, disappointed) Man, that killed last night in Portland.
• I’d like to start by asking you guys a rhetorical question. And that is, “who here knows what the word ‘rhetorical’ means?” (to anyone who raises their hand) Obviously, you don’t.

ROMANTIC (said ironically)

• (spoken solemnly) “They say that as she breathed her last, the name on her lips was mine. Which came to me as some surprise, as I’d always thought she hated tattoos.”
• I’ll never forget the first moment I saw her, lying there with that “come hither” stare, wearing nothing but a white sheet and a toe tag. SOLD!

MISCELLANEOUS

• You gotta admit… it takes balls to get a vasectomy.
• Did you know that the average woman between the ages of 25 and 45 really hates being called “average”? (beat) I learned that the hard way.
• In general, I make it a point to always avoid situations in which I might encounter sticks and stones. I mean, there’s no telling what they might do.
• I can’t for the life of me remember what I’m supposed to do when I’m happy and I know it. SOLD!
• I don’t mean to brag, but I happen to (make air quotes) “know” a little sign language… (beat, then) That was it.
• My local supermarket is so cheap that it only has “two for the price of one” sales on free samples. SOLD!
• Anyone who says, “Dying is easy, comedy is hard” has obviously never died before.
• Knock-knock jokes would be much shorter if the knockers just gave their full names the first time you asked.
• Yesterday I watched a woman with ridiculously long fingernails texting. It looked like her thumbs were having a lightsaber duel.
• Only buying frozen dinners at the grocery store doesn’t make me lazy. What makes me lazy is only buying frozen dinners that I think will make good popsicles.
• When I die, I just want to be remembered as “that guy who lived to be 200.”
• My Muse is a hack.
• I like to pamper myself in a quiet environment, so I went to this new spa that’s staffed entirely by mimes. It’s called “Chez Shhhh.” I got the silent treatment.
• Like most little boys, I learned at a young age how to mark fart noises with my… rectum. SOLD!
• My wife and I had much different approaches to parenthood when our first son was born. She thought he should be raised in the Catholic Church and I thought he should be raised in a foster family.
• I try to vote my conscience, but it’s never on the ballot.
• I have never been an optimist. (adamant) Never! (beat, then cheery) But hey, maybe someday…
• So many women these days are having their eggs harvested and frozen. Or, as space aliens call it, “caviar.”
• “Voir dire” would be so much more fun if the lawyers could start each question with, “Truth or dare…?”
• I’m thinking of a number between 68 and 70… (weary) constantly.

 

JOKE BUNDLES ($10 per group – and no, I will not consider breaking up the sets)

• NO SHOES: [performed as a somber reading from a book]

– “I cried because I had no shoes. Then I met a man who had no feet. So, I immediately crossed him off the list of suspects who might have taken my shoes. (beat) On account of the ‘no feet’ thing.”

– “I cried because I had no shoes. Then I met a man who had no feet. (beat) Isn’t it ironic? (beat) Don’t’cha think?”

– “I cried because I had no shoes. Then I met a man who had no feet. And yet, he had shoes. So, I just stole his shoes and ran. (cocky) What was he gonna do, chase me? (beat) Not without shoes, he wasn’t.”

– “I cried because I had no shoes… stop me if you’ve heard this one before… I cried because I had no shoes. Then I met a man who had no hands. (irritated) Where was he last week when I was crying because I had no gloves?”

– “I cried because I had no shoes. Until I met a woman who had no feet. And yet she had sixty pairs of shoes. (beat) Sheeesh… women. Am I right?”

– “I cried because I had no shoes. Then I met a man who had no feet. I felt so bad I gave him my feet. He was so grateful he gave me his shoes. So, it was a win-win situation.”

 

• LIVED IN A SHOE: [performed as a somber reading from a book]

– “There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She had so many children… who went to school every morning smelling like feet.”

– “There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She had so many children… she had to move up half a size.”

– “There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She had so many children… that she one day just hung herself with a shoelace.”

– “There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She had so many children… because she had loose morals and a latex allergy.”

 

• WOODCHUCK CHUCKING

– How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck had access to, and training in the proper use of, the latest woodchucking technology? (beat, then) And opposable thumbs.

– How much wood could a woodchuck chuck If you put a gun to his head and snarled, “Chuck, damn it!”?

– How much wood could a woodchuck chuck If he thought there was something in it for him?

-How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if he didn’t have to deal with all these damned OSHA regulations absolutely killing productivity?

 

• GIVE A MAN A FISH: [performed as a somber sermon]

– “If you give a man a fish, you will feed him for a day. But if you give a man a cow, you will feed him for a good three to four weeks. So, go the cow route.”

– “If you give a man a fish, you will feed him for a day. But if you give a man a poisoned fish, you will feed him for the rest of his life.”

– “If you give a man a fish, you will feed him for a day. But if you teach a man to fish, he will wind up blowing all his food money on a boat and the latest fishing gear and end up starving to death.“

 

• SPEED MONOPOLY/POKER

– My friend and I wanted to play Monopoly, but we only had fifteen minutes. So, we used 32-sided dice. I passed GO three times on my first roll.

– I landed on “Chance” and got a card that said, “Go directly to jail.” It said, “Do not pass GO, do not collect $200” but I did anyway. (beat) I got ten years tacked onto my sentence.

– Then we played speed poker where all 52 cards were wild. He beat me every time because I could never tell when he was bluffing.

 

• FAILED INVENTIONS

– I invented a self-driving bumper car. The only problem is that I can’t get it to stop avoiding collisions.

– In an effort to solve world hunger, I invented a fish that dissolves in water. The only problem is that they keep mysteriously disappearing from their aquariums overnight.

 

• SAFE WORDS:

– “Just Do It” is a great advertising slogan but a lousy safe word. SOLD!

– Same goes for McDonald’s “I’m lovin’ it.” SOLD!

 

ADULT/NSFW (price as marked – proof of age required to view)

• ggggggg..ggggg..ggg..ggggggg..gg..ggg..g..ggg..ggggggggg..ggggggg..g..gggg..gg..ggggggg..ggg..gggg..gggg. ($9)
• g..ggg..ggg..ggggggg..ggg..gggg..g..gggggg..”gggg”..ggggggg..g..gg..gggggg..g..ggggg..g..ggggg..ggg..gggggg gggg..gggggg..g..ggg. ($4)
• ggggggg..gggg..ggg..gg..ggggggg. ($2) SOLD!
• gg..ggggg..gg..gg..gg..ggg..ggggg..gg..gggg..g..gggg..ggg..gg..gggg..g..gggg..gggg..g..ggggg..g..gg..gggg..gg ggggg..gggg..gg. ($9)
• gggg..gg..gggg..ggggggg..gg..gggg..ggggg..g..gggg..gg..ggg..ggggggg..gg..gggggg gggggg..gg..ggggggg..gg..ggg..gggggggg..gg..ggggg..gggggg..ggg..gggg..ggg gggggg..gg..ggg..g..ggggggggggg..ggg..ggg..gggg..ggg..gggg..ggggg..gg..ggggg.. gg..gggggg..gg..ggggggg..gggg..ggg..ggggg..gg..ggg..gggggg..ggg..ggg..gggggg.. ggggg..gg..ggg..g..ggg..ggg..ggggg..gg..ggggg..ggg..gg..ggggg!!! ($100)